Dial M For Moron

In the spirit of the season,

the President offered a toll free

phone number to help those

who've lost their homes.

In the spirit of his presidency,

he gave the wrong number!

Books Soon Available on Mobile Phones for Readers On The Go

"Yes, Myrtle, I just love War and Peace on my mobile phone.

But thank God I got the abridged edition"

Math Problem

The cost of the US military effort in Iraq and Afghanistan is almost double the official figure, a US report says.


Perhaps we shouldn't have asked King George
to do the math

Bedtime for Gonzo

Attorney General and Memory Expert

Alberto Gonzalez announced his resignation

today...though he might not be able to

recall this tomorrow.

The President reportedly responded to the news

like he does to everything else....

"grudgingly"

Viet Numb

In a fiery patriotic speech Wednesday, the

President demonstrated that battling on in

Iraq is just as important as it was in

Vietnam....

If that is so, let's come home now....
for he and Dick (5 deferments) Cheney
sure showed us the way back then!

(It's easier being Mr Patriot when

sending other people to do the dying...)

"One of the best-read people I've ever met"

That's what Karl Rove
said about President Bush
in a radio interview.
And it must be true...
after all, the President himself
admitted last summer that he
had just read
"3 Shakespeares."

Express Line, No Waiting

The people of New Orleans waited and waited for help from the administration.

And many are still waiting for a safe place to live...

But some people can't wait...
they're in the Express Line!
(and Cheney's stocks are
losing value).

So there's good news today for the big money boys who hate govenment and love that free market:

The Fed has poured billions in additional liquidity into the banking system in recent days, and Friday’s rate cut marked its most dramatic effort yet.

Please, Sir, may I have some more?

In the most bizarre writings published outside the canon of

Edgar Allen Poe, The Wall Street Journal published an

op-ed saying that what this country needs is MORE

Dick Cheney!
"So President Bush should ignore Mr. Cheney's advice and the White House communications team should keep him hidden from public view, right?

Nonsense.....We need more Dick Cheney."

His low ratings have nothing to do with his leading the country on one

disastrous path after another. Nope.

"His low poll numbers are the result of his low profile." After all, quoting

Mitch McConnell, when he speaks "he has such a way of making it simple and compelling".

AND WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!

http://opinionjournal.com/editorial/feature.html?id=110010473

OOPS, Wrong Picture!!

or it it??

The Associated Press is reporting that
Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez

is visiting Baghdad.

Perhaps he will help in the writing of

General Petreus' much anticipated September Iraq report!

(why not? when you're writing fiction,

you can't go wrong with a happy ending!!!)

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070811/ap_on_go_ca_st_pe/gonzales_iraq

Lose Your Home? Hey, I've Got Empathy!

In Thursday's Presidential Press Conference,

President Bush declared he has "enormous

empathy" for those who have lost their

homes due to foreclosure.

However,

"if you mean direct grants to homeowners,

the answer would be no!"

He also stated that people didn't know what

they were signing and he would increase funds

for consumer education.

(After they'd lost their homes, of course).

Wonder if this will make it to Fox News

The BBC is reporting that the Iraq

power system is near collapse....

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/6934973.stm

Will Fox News find this worth mentioning?

A Farewell to Arms?

The Washington Post is reporting that the U.S. has no
idea where 190,000 weapons given to Iraq security
forces have gone.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/08/05/AR2007080501299_pf.html

This occurs just days after Condaleeza Rice
offered Saudi Arabia, Egypt and Israel even more
weapons.
And yet, unaccountably, there is still no peace!!!

Would You Take Investment Advice From This Man?

Now that Rupert Murdoch is taking over
The Wall Street Journal, we can't wait
to get our financial news from O'Reilly
and Geraldo!


http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/20032918/

I Didn't Know You Cared

At the historic first press conference of

British PM Gordon Brown and George W

Bush, Bush told BBC political editor Nick

Robinson "next time you should cover

your bald head."
"I didn't know you cared," Robinson

responded.

"I don't," said the President.

This time we believe him.........

http://blogs.guardian.co.uk/news/archives/2007/07/31/baldheaded_cheek.html#more

Some People Bring Cake...

but Condi brings weapons when she goes

for a visit.

To show the Saudis, Egyptians and Israelis

she loves them all,

she's bringing them all new weapons!
Forget all that talk of democracy in

the Middle East.

You got oil, you'll get guns!

Because we LOVE peace, y'know!..
But not as much as munitions...................

http://www.atimes.com/atimes/Middle_East/IH01Ak01.html

Rush to Judgement

On Wednesday's show, war strategist

Rush Limbaugh responded to a listener

who stated that the troops in Iraq didn't know

who to shoot...

"Just wipe them all out," he advised.

Isn't this a rather roundabout way to win hearts and minds?

Chertoff's Tummy Troubles

Who needs fact-checks when Michael Chertoff can do

tummy-checks?

His gut is warning him of something awful.

On the other hand, he might just need some of this!

Empty Pockets

Vice President Cheney's office cupboard

may soon be as empty as his rhetoric!

Senate Democrats moved Tuesday to cut off funding for Vice President Dick Cheney's office in a continuing battle over whether he must comply with national security disclosure rules.
A Senate appropriations panel chaired by Sen. Richard Durbin, D-Ill., refused to fund $4.8 million in the vice president's budget until Cheney's office complies with parts of an executive order governing its handling of classified information.

We hope he will appreciate this patriotic cost-saving

move!

http://talkingpointsmemo.com/news/2007/07/panel_moves_to_cut_off_funds_t.php

Scooter's New Best Friend

An editorial in the Wall Street Journal

tries to distract from the typical gangster skullduggery

with noble sentiments.

The rescue of Scooter with big piles of cash

and no jail time is nobly presented with quotes

from the "Soldier's Creed!"
"Leave no fallen soldier behind" --

TRANSLATION:

"leave no one who can talk behind!"

Even Paris Hilton serves more time than a NeoCon!

It's Good To Be The King

On Tuesday's patriotic pre-4th of July

program, Rush Limbaugh warned of

some folks having too much power.

A warning against Presidential authority?

Heavens no!

It was a warning against the dangers of

Republican-appointed prosecutors and

judges who dare to prosecute W's pals.

Presidential Monopoly

The President used his favorite
Monopoly card to keep Scooter

from prison....

and to keep him quiet.

Tony Snow defended the action on Tuesday

by stating that Libby's fine remained.

When a reporter reminded Tony that

the fine would be paid for by Republican contributors,

he noted only that:

"Americans are a generous people."

Especially Americans who want him to keep his mouth shut!

Helen Thomas' Best Question Ever

At Monday's Press Briefing, Presidential Spokeswoman Dana Parino couldn't find any way of rationally explaining how the Vice President could both be and not be part of the Executive Branch...and kept offering a series of ever desperate reasons why she couldn't say any more about it.
Finally Helen Thomas got tired of it all and commented (on microphone):

We should get someone out here who can answer our questions.

Masters of Delete

While other aspects of leadership might
still elude them, they sure know how
to use that DELETE key.

Email messages are missing from more than 50 White House Officials. According to a new report:
Given the heavy reliance by White House officials on RNC e-mail accounts, the high rank of the White House officials involved, and the large quantity of missing e-mails, the potential violation of the Presidential Records Act may be extensive."


Not to mention the potential loss of amazing financial opportunities from Nigeria!

http://www.kansascity.com/449/story/155169.html

The Urge to Surge

Those fearing negative reports from the War in Iraq, take heart. According to White House Press Spokesman Tony Snow, the calvary is coming!

Q: Are there any members of the Bush family or this administration in this war?
SNOW: Yeah, the President. The President is in the war every day.
Q: Come on, that isn’t my question –
SNOW: Well, no, if you ask any president who is a commander in chief –
Q: On the frontlines, wherever…
SNOW: The President.


So THIS is what they meant by "shock and awe."


http://thinkprogress.org/2007/06/14/snow-bush-war/

THE ADVENTURES OF BOSSY AND HARRIET

Subpoenas were issued today for Harriet Miers

and other Presidential favorites to testify about suspicious goings-on amongst his legal inner circle.

White House spokeswoman Dana Pareno said this was merely an effort of Democrats to "find drama."

"Why don't they just invade another country, like we do?"

Too Many Irans In The Fire

Bill Krystol's Weekly (Sub)Standard has more encouraging words about the plans of brighter minds than ours of dropping bombs on Iran.

"What could possibly go wrong?" they ask.

Oh no.. it's time for......

Another cakewalk!

http://www.weeklystandard.com/content/public/articles/000/000/012/101dorxa.asp

Huckabee Recommends Guantanamo This Summer

Republican Presidential contender Mike Huckabee, obviously much more knowledgeable than Colin Powell, Sunday praised conditions at Guantanamo.

"I can tell you most of our prisoners would love to be in a facility more like Guantanamo and less like the state prisons that people are in in the United States."

Paris Hilton, equally knowledgeable on penal matters, was not immediately available for comment.


http://www.kait8.com/Global/story.asp?S=6639038&nav=0jsh

No War Left Behind

Senator "I start em, you fight em" Joe Lieberman on Sunday declared that it's time for a military strike on Iran.

Most of us are content to just order up a pizza on Sunday.

Joe's not afraid of something a little stronger...just as long as it's others taking the risks and doing the dying.

http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/nationworld/sns-ap-us-iran,1,5107488.story?coll=chi-news-hed

Home Furnishings Sale (some items not included)

Louisiana Senator William Jefferson pledges "we will sell every stick of furniture in our home and anything else we may own to pursue justice and clear our name."

Wonder if that goes for the freezer.

"This Is Not A Phallic Symbol, signed Peter Pace"

General Peter Pace, best known for picking a peck of pickled peppers, was suddenly
removed from his position as Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
Pace made news months ago with his statement that

"I believe homosexual acts between two individuals are immoral and that [the U.S. military] should not condone immoral acts..."
Killing is just fine, of course.
And between three individuals he's still pondering.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/06/08/AR2007060801537.html?hpid=topnews

PRESIDENT PROMISES TO REDUCE HIS GAS EMISSIONS

The crowd at the G-8 conference roar as

the President attempts to distract attendees
with a series of fart jokes.

Pooh-poohing the conference overall, he told attendees:
"G-8? I thought I was having a V8!"

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19062146/

Nobel Pizza Prize?

Rush Limbaugh is telling his radio audience that he is
much more qualified than Al Gore to win the next Nobel Prize.

"I don't even know why Gore's qualified for this," he told his listeners. " What in the hell's global warming have to do with world peace?! I have done more for world peace to promote liberty and freedom than Al Gore has."

An American conservative organization has filed an "unsolicited" nomination for Rush with the Nobel Committee.

Fortunately the Nobel Committee owns a shredder.

http://mediamatters.org/items/200704030001

It Ain't Me, Babe

Outgoing World Bank President and Iraq war Nostradamus
("The war will pay for itself")
Paul Wolfowitz declares that it was all the media's fault.

The huge pay increase of his girlfriend, the outcries of hypocrisy from employees, the demands of board members that he leave...

None of it was his fault.
The sheer audacity of this statement is now his greatest accomplishment.


Heckuva job, Wolfie.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/business/6697311.stm

Presidential Poo

At Thursday's outdoor Presidential Press Conference,

a pigeon makes an editorial comment.

Why the bird pooh?

Because there were no bulls flying overhead.

Presidential Press Conference Explained

Novelist and historian Gore Vidal offers a clue:

The rumour round Washington is that he’s gone back to drinking. Well, thank God, he might make a little more sense. A group of us each vowed we would send him a bottle of whisky, but I think it’s heroin probably that he would need.

http://www.ft.com/cms/s/cf59b636-02aa-11dc-a023-000b5df10621.html

Same Old Song

It's Oldies But Goodies time for the Memorial Day Weekend.








The President has pulled out
another variation on "Boogey! Boogey! Boogey!"
to scare the populace.
Hey, if you can't get their respect, you can at least scare them!
He can declassify this, but it's STILL too soon to know who Cheney met with in the oil industry.

What? Me Hurry?

As apparently some Democrats feel that the Iraq civil war just has not gone on long enough, the new bill on War Funding will have no timeline for withdrawal.
This isn't giving in, however.


The President will still have to tell us everything's going fine in regular updates.

Somehow, that doesn't sound like it'll be a problem.


http://www.cnn.com/2007/POLITICS/05/22/war.funding/index.html

Falwell's That Ends Well

Thousands lined up Tuesday to say a final farewell to evangelist
Jerry Falwell.
Rev.Falwell, known for warning the world on the dangers of animated characters, was to be memorialized as soon as anyone could think of something to say.

"I was asked if I'd like to say goodbye to Jerry Falwell" explained renowned animated star Tinky Winky.

And I said, 'who wouldn't?"

http://www.sfgate.com/columnists/morford/

There's No Business Like Show Business

The President today called criticism of long-time pal Alberto Gonzalez
"pure political theatre."

"It's good, but it's no Spamalot," Mr. Bush declared.
The President made his comments at his Crawford ranch, while waiting for the latest in a series of Connecticut Cowboy photo opportunities.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/uslatest/story/0,,-6650233,00.html

White House Officials Say It's Too Soon To Tell

On Sunday, White House officials angrily responded to President Jimmy Carter's

statement that President Bush was the worst president in American history.

"It's too soon to tell. We're working day and night though to win the title."

http://www.cnn.com/2007/POLITICS/05/20/carter.bush.ap/

Newt's war plan made simple (very simple)

On Sunday's Meet the Press, Newt Gingrich declared more of his plan to

win in Iraq:

issue permanent IDs to all Iraqis!

This way he can keep track of everybody! (and perhaps offer them copies of his latest novel!)

Please, Newt haven't these people suffered enough!

Thank goodness our generals have his wisdom to guide them!

Alberto Gonzalez's Movie Reviews

SHREK THE THIRD:

Funny?

Frankly I don't recall.

But I do take full responsibility for it.

SPIDERMAN 3:

Mistakes were made.

The Commander-in-Cheap

Hey, now the plastic turkey is starting to look good.

The President has declared that the troops he loves so much are already suffiencly compensated ...so he will oppose a pay raise.

Anyone for plastic gravy?

http://www.boston.com/news/nation/washington/articles/2007/05/19/bush_resists_democrats_on_military_pay/

Wolfy's Retirement Party

Now that Paul Wolfowitz's departure from the World Bank is official, well-wishers are bidding their fond farewells, including the following touching sentiment from an internal web site:

Please just leave. You can take all your loyal employees with you. Who are you kidding?
http://uk.reuters.com/article/homepageCrisis/idUKN18219095._CH_.242020070518